How to be more socially confident (without being fake)

You may worry that you can only make friends if you force yourself to act like someone else. You can improve your social abilities without changing who or what you are. This guide will teach you how to feel and look more confident when in social situations.

1. You already have many roles to play in your life

You might feel like you’re putting on a show when you try to change your behavior or acquire new social skills.

You probably adjust your persona and behavior anyway. Your communication style will probably change and your sense of humor may also vary depending on the people around you. You might tell jokes to close friends, but not in front of parents.

You are not hiding behind a mask when you try to be friendly and positive. Instead, you allow people to see you for who you really are.

2. Slowly move beyond your comfort zone

You might have read that the most effective way to build social confidence is to put yourself in situations far beyond your comfort zones, like approaching strangers and introducing yourselves. This method is not sustainable for most people, so it doesn’t work.

Set yourself more difficult challenges to increase your confidence. Make small, incremental steps. List the social situations that cause you anxiety. Sort them from the least intimidating to the most daunting. Work your way up the list, starting with the easiest situation.

Your list might look like this:

• Eye contact with strangers
• Smile at the store clerk or barista
• Good morning to your colleague
• Have a small conversation while waiting for the bus or train.

You’ll feel more confident and less shy as you practice. You’ll feel less shy and more confident when you socialize.

You can increase your social stamina if you are an introvert and find social interaction exhausting. Our guide How to be more outgoing without losing your identity may also prove helpful.

3. Find people who have similar interests

You may feel less fake if you share common interests. It’s easier to establish a connection when you have a shared interest. Start by looking at meetups, hobby groups, and classes. For more information, read our article on How to meet people who share your interests .

4. Find a role model who is socially confident

Question yourself:

• What topics does this person discuss?
• What is their body language like? How do they hold themselves?
• How energetic are they?

You’ll see that socially confident individuals are not all the same. Some are calm, and they listen well. Some people are loud and extroverted. They also have a great sense of humor. Socially adept people know how they can let their personalities show while still making others feel at ease. You will develop your own social style with practice.

5. Concentrate on others rather than yourself

People who are socially anxious tend to overanalyze themselves. They are worried about how others perceive them. This can cause you to feel awkward and self-conscious, especially when you are around strangers.

You can reduce some stress by focusing on the other person and what they are saying or doing. You can challenge yourself by learning something new about someone you meet. You may find people boring, or think that they have nothing interesting to say. Read our guide on How to be curious about others even if you are not naturally curious.

You will become a better listener if you focus on others. This will make you attractive to friends or potential partners.

6. Be aware that people tend to be focused on themselves

It’s important to realize that you are not the only one who notices what you do and say. The “spotlight” effect is what psychologists call it. Several studies show that we tend to overestimate the attention paid by others towards our appearance and behaviors.

7. Avoid jumping to conclusions

You might assume, without evidence, that people dislike you if you lack social confidence.

If you are talking to someone and they do not seem interested in what you have to say, you may think “I am so boring!”. This can reduce your confidence.

It’s not always personal when someone is aloof, or seems uninterested. Give people the benefit-of-the doubt. You can tell yourself that “there’s a possibility they don’t like me but it’s likely they’re shy or having a bad time.”

^[ 2] You might be a friend to someone who is too shy to speak to you.

8. Encourage yourself to stay in social situations longer

It’s tempting when you feel anxious to leave a social situation as soon as possible. If you can overcome the anxiety and learn to cope with it, then you will be able to do so. You can’t stay in a panic-like state for long. Even the most intense anxiety will usually subside within 20 minutes. ^[ 4]

9. Prepare for the worst-case scenarios.

People with low social confidence often imagine the worst case scenarios before they interact. Imagine how you’d cope if you were to experience your worst fears. This can make you more prepared and confident.

As an example:

Scenario possible: “I begin talking with someone, but run out of words to say. The conversation comes to a grinding halt.”

Solution “I can smile, excuse myself and leave.” It would be awkward but it would pass.

Scenario possible:

Solution “I would be embarrassed but I could change my subject and continue talking.”

This article on What to do If You’re Worried About an Upcoming Event contains useful tips that will help you mentally prepare yourself for a social event.

10. Use confident body language

Maintaining good posture can boost your self-esteem and mood, which will make you more confident.

• Eye contact with confidence
• Maintain a straight back and relaxed shoulders. You can improve your posture by watching this video. According to research, maintaining a posture that is upright can improve your mood[5,] as well as your self-confidence[6].
• Use open body language. Avoid crossing your legs and arms. Avoid using bags or other items as a barrier between you and someone else.

See our detailed guide on confident bodylanguage.

11. Try not to compare your life to others

It can be hard to feel confident when you think that someone is “better than” you.

When they feel inferior, some people withdraw from social situations. Some people compensate by boasting. Both responses are counterproductive because they prevent you from making friends.

This guide to coping with feeling inadequate to others offers more practical advice on how you can stop comparing yourself with other people.